Category: Parents Zone

家中如何無港孩？

成長學習 | 3至6歲

資深註冊社工李淑輝姑娘(Jody)提供

家中如何無港孩？

03.04.2020

 

社會經濟起飛，普遍家庭生活富庶，孩子理應在這樣的環境中成長，無論物質、條件、機會……等各方面都佔盡優勢，能力和表現應當很出眾。然而，孩子們在香港這麼富庶的環境底下成長，卻被稱為「港孩」，絕不是甚麼讚譽的稱號，相反，港孩的三低 – 自理能力低、自控能力低、解難能力低 — 卻是不爭的事實！

 

現代的香港家庭大多追求「一個起，兩個止」的「少孩」政策，孩子自然地就成為家人的珍愛和聚焦點，加上生活物質豐富，在愛錫孩子的大前提下，父母能力許可下，都會盡量滿足孩子，務求讓孩子生活快樂無憂，甚至有父母只要求孩子有良好學業表現，其他「不相干」的事情都不用費力處理，任由身邊的人代勞。父母愛錫孩子的本意是無容置疑，但在教養手法上，縱容他們「要甚麼有甚麼」，或是「事事倚賴代勞」，又是否對他們的成長有利呢？

 

如果希望孩子不要有「港孩」的表現，父母在教養上可以參考以下建議：

 

  1. 解除父母「死穴」

孩子與父母生活緊密，很容易便會摸到父母的「死穴」──擔心孩子健康、害怕孩子不開心。以前者為例，孩子知道父母最緊張的是孩子若不吃飯，便會肚餓消瘦，因而影響健康，於是孩子使出一招 ～～「有手機玩我便吃飯，沒有手機就不吃」的絕招令父母降服；而後者，父母希望孩子生活開心，若孩子使出一招 ～～發脾氣，更甚是在街上扭計，父母或怕尷尬，或怕孩子不開心，孩子最終可以「如願以償」，這招可謂萬試萬靈！父母謹記，孩子不吃一餐半餐，是絕不會影響健康；而父母希望孩子開心，但亦沒可能保證他一年三百六十五天都開心！必須解除「死穴」，不容助長孩子不當行為。

2.引導孩子自理的責任

自理，是自己打理自己的事情，簡單如自行刷牙、洗瞼、吃飯、穿脫衣物、用完物品後自行收拾等。若身邊的人事事為孩子效勞，孩子慢慢便會變成「弱能」人士 ～～ 肉身成長，窒礙發展最基本的自理能力！譬如當孩子玩完玩具後不顧而去，父母會慣性地「一面鬧，一面替他執拾，於是孩子便得著一個訊息 ～ 玩具收拾是父母的責任，並不是自己的份內事。孩子須按能力學習為自己的事情承擔責任和後果，父母要教導孩子，玩完玩具要執拾，否則便承受後果，例如：今天再沒有玩具玩，亦不會有其他看圖書、看電視的活動。當孩子嚐到不當行為的後果，自然吸收教訓，漸漸學會自負責任。

3.輔助孩子學習適應現實限制

因為父母過於愛錫孩子，許多時會無意間給孩子一個錯覺 ～～ 世界是順著他們的意願而行，令自我為中心行為表現無違，例如：開飯了，只要孩子哭鬧要吃漢堡包，父母呵氹無效下，大多會一面責鬧，一面滿足孩子心頭好，以求安撫哭鬧。「我要，我要，我即刻要……」似乎成了孩子的口頭襌，最糟糕的是，身邊人會因為種種原因，又會二話不說地即時滿足他！然而，父母毋須事事遷就孩子，反而要讓他明白及經驗世界不會繞著他而運轉，更重要是他要學習面對現實 ～～現實就只有飯，沒有漢堡包，如果孩子選擇不吃飯，那麼他要一嘗肚餓的感覺！問題是成人們有否輔助孩子學習適應現實限制，還是給孩子一個錯覺？

4.放手讓孩子自己解難

父母身經百戰，生活上大小難題，都不會容易被難到。然而，當孩子遇到任何「樽頸位」而一籌莫展，身邊人礙於不耐煩、不信孩子有能力處理、痛心孩子承受不來……等原因，都會第一時間撲出來替孩子擋駕，慢慢地，孩子就如溫室小花一樣，當離開父母身邊，就會脆弱不堪。父母需按孩子的成長能力，容讓他嘗試自己處理困難和挑戰，解難過程中，父母角色是給孩子鼓勵、引導，而非做「替身」。

小結:

對深愛孩子的父母來說，上述的教養建議是有點硬心腸，但能夠讓孩子藉著承擔後果中，經驗到如何成長，又不失是給孩子鍛鍊的機會，讓他成長得更為扎實和堅韌。此外，孩子成長靠經驗，並不是單憑父母苦口婆心的提點就可以，而且「經一事，長一智」，孩子須從不斷的經驗累積中，增長生活智慧，不會成為「港孩」！

以上資料由資深註冊社工李淑輝姑娘提供

以上原文刊登於2019年2月PCM雜誌

© 2020 Healthy Seed Limited

 

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杜絕被寵壞的金叵羅

品格管教 | 1至2歲,2至3歲,3至6歲

資深註冊社工李淑輝姑娘(Jody)

 

杜絕被寵壞的金叵羅

29.08.2022

 

「我要，我即刻要！」

「你幫我做埋佢吖，我唔識呀！你做好啲嘅！」

「爸，同我攞杯水過嚟！」

「我唔理，見到就係我嘅，佢哋冇份玩！」

「你夾埋俾我食啦！唔係嘅話，我唔食！」

「要我食飯？你俾手機我玩先啦！」

 

 

 

以上似曾相識的說話，不知道曾否在你孩子的口中出現過？又或者在某些場合中，你曾聽到別的孩子跟他父母對話的內容？

 

如果你是家長，又會如何回應孩子以上的言行？為免孩子不開心，多一事，不如少一事，家長自我安慰地說：「順應孩子一次半次，又不是甚麼大不了的事！」還是，就算換來孩子哭鬧、發脾氣，也會斬釘截鐵，斷然地拒絕他？

 

相信家長們都不想寵壞孩子，那麼，就請先看看以下孩子被寵壞的跡象，有沒有正在他們身上出現：

 

1) 對人沒有禮貌，尤其是對長輩沒大沒小。

2) 動輒講交換條件，才肯做原本應該是他份內的事。

3) 得不到滿足或所想的，就大發脾氣或情緒勒索。

4) 已經擁有許多，仍覺不夠；就算得到，也不會珍惜。

5) 非常自我，只顧自己，完全不理會別人需要或感受。

6) 遇上不如意，都會怪罪別人身上。

7) 對別人挑剔，相反，卻不喜歡別人對他稍有要求。

8) 常挑戰照顧者底線，如讓步，他就會得寸進尺。

9) 老是要別人關顧他，他卻反不過來做。

10) 過度依賴身邊人，事事幫他做，更將之視為理所當然。

11) 野蠻霸道，無理取鬧，做事不顧後果。

12) 愛炫耀，以貶低別人為樂事。

 

在小組中，我經常向家長們提到：「一條鎖匙不會響，兩條鎖匙叮叮響！」，即是說，孩子的不良言行並非天性如此，反而在後天教養過程中，照顧者有意無意地助紂他，逐漸形成那些令人搖頭歎息的不當品行。也許讓我聽得太多的是：「李姑娘，你幫我教導這個孩子啦！他總是不聽我的！」與其將孩子交予社工來輔導，倒不如針對幼兒家長們多作親職教育工夫，透過爸媽的直接教養，由他們親手打造一個良好品行的孩子，那不是更好嗎？若然家長不想製造出被寵壞的金叵羅來，以下法則，希望在孩子的幼兒期，家長及早給予教導：

 

1) 愛護• 珍惜

社會富庶，並不代表可以無止境地滿足孩子所想所求！未曾靠自己努力獲取的，孩子會視之為理所當然。玩具爛了，家長立即另買一個新的，又叫孩子如何學會愛惜？假若家長用簡單物料跟孩子一起製作玩具，除了能享受當中親子合力完成作品的歡樂和成就感，孩子對於自己親手製造獨一無二的玩具，更會珍而重之！

 

2) 責任承擔

家長常以為孩子太小，沒有能力承擔責任，或是不想他哭鬧，便放他一馬：「今次算啦，下次唔好啦！」其實，孩子為自己言行所帶來的責任，並不是家長想象中那麼沉重，反而透過具體經驗的後果承擔，他便會為自己所說所做的，懂得停下來三思。例如：孩子玩完玩具，起碼的責任就是自行執拾，如拒絕的話，家長給他後果不是恐嚇責難，反而是暫停一晚玩玩具。當然，前提是孩子十分著緊玩玩具這回事，以及在停玩過程中，他不可以做其他事 — 看電視、閱讀圖書等，否則「停玩」就完全沒有壓力可言。

 

3) 等待• 延遲滿足

常見孩子哭鬧，嚷著立即要這個那個，家長生怕旁人目光，立時便順應他的要求。但此舉無疑令他有兩個錯覺：1) 只要哭鬧，家長便會買我怕；2) 全世界都是以我為馬首是瞻的！從小給孩子等待和限制的規矩，簡單如排隊玩鞦韆、肚餓要等到晚飯時才可以進食、想買玩具要靠自己儲錢等。要求孩子等待，延遲滿足，這樣的磨練，對於長遠成長來說，孩子能夠堅持忍耐、減少衝動的情況是有著非常大的幫助！

 

4) 解決困難

當孩子遇到生活困難，慣性地尖叫哭鬧，就會即時有人撲上來替他排難消災。「授人以〈魚〉，不如授人以〈漁〉」，假若一朝照顧者不再在身邊，孩子的呼喊，能喚醒其他人來幫他解決困難嗎？簡單如孩子打翻水杯，如果只是膠杯，家長忙不迭安慰孩子之餘，可以給他一條乾毛巾，教他輕輕拭抹收拾，孩子從中能夠累積到生活「難處」的不同處理方法，同時亦建立自信和成功感！

 

5) 情緒控制

心情欠佳，乃人之常情！但若出現負面情緒，孩子就要向身邊的人爆發，怎樣說也不通啊！遇到令自己生氣的時候，家長教導孩子可以安坐在小角落，心中暗暗由10開始倒數，深呼吸來緩和不忿和嬲怒，安靜後，便可以用咀巴告訴家長事情始末。若不是從小教導孩子，原來哭鬧以外，還有更適當的控制情緒方法，那就怪不得孩子只會獨沽一味，原始地用打人、發脾氣的方式去疏洩情緒啦！

 

以上的法則並不是甚麼新概念，全都是家長耳熟能詳的管教技倆。明白到家長知易行難，若能努力稍多行一步 — 照顧者們一致的管教、持定教養原則、言出必行…這又絕非是甚麼「摘天上月亮」般的難事啊！

 

被寵壞的孩子並非一朝練成，在日積月累下，照顧者無意地忍讓孩子，才會造就出一個自以為全世界都是圍著他轉的金叵羅來。謹記，今日是「港孩」，明天是「港女」，進而再投身「啃老族」，家長願意見到孩子如斯的進化嗎？要杜絕被寵壞的金叵羅，要視乎家長的決心，若今天開始貫切執行以上法則，一個良好品行孩子的出現是指日可待的！

 

以上資料由慈慧幼苗教育主任(資深註冊社工)李淑輝姑娘 (Jody) 提供

© 2022 Healthy Seed

 

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【嬰幼兒身體認知發展竅門】EP1-增強四肢及視覺遊戲(0-6個月)

                              EP1-增強四肢及視覺遊戲(0-6個月)

慈慧幼苗一直關注幼兒的體能發展、認知發展、社交情緒發展、感覺運動技能、自理能力及語言與溝通的６大發展範疇，向家長發布相關的資訊。今次因應嬰幼兒在體能發展、認知發展及感覺運動技能的範疇，推介【嬰幼兒身體認知發展竅門】一系列影片，當中介紹多個親子遊戲，既好玩又能幫助嬰幼兒全面發展，以及提升親子關係。

 

初生嬰兒除了吃和睡之外，父母可以和他們玩什麼？第1集的影片介紹親子互動的技巧，從而增加嬰兒的四肢和刺激視覺發展。

 

立即觀看這系列的其他親子遊戲，與嬰幼兒一起玩，身體發展勝人一籌！

http://bit.ly/4mCYYbd

 

© 2025 Healthy Seed

 

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Videos for Parent Education on Language Development of Young Children

Videos for Parent Education on Language Development of Young Children

Videos for Parent Education on Language Development of Young Children

https://scolarhk.edb.hkedcity.net/en/theme-page/kindergartens/videos-for-parent-education.html

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How to effectively calm children when dealing with parent-child conflicts?

How to effectively calm children when dealing with parent-child conflicts?

Source: Parenting Education Specialist, Ken Sir

From time to time, conflicts may arise between children and adults. In handling these conflicts, communication skills with children are very important, and there is a big difference between starting with “you” and starting with “I.”

 Once, I was at the elevator entrance and saw a child trying to press the elevator button, but another child pressed it first. The child’s emotions immediately became volatile, and although the mother tried to bend down and deal with the situation, she found it difficult to calm the child’s emotions. What was involved in the situation?

This involves the mother using a few phrases, including “don’t cry”, “what do you want?” or “do you want me to go down to the next floor and let you press the button?” I want to remind parents that if they want to calm a child’s emotions, they should avoid using these types of phrases.

 If we want to calm a child’s emotions, we can try using “I” at the beginning of the sentence, such as “I see you…”, “I know that you really want…”, and “Mom and Dad understand you”. When a child hears these words from their perspective, they will feel that you are on their side rather than opposing them.

 In this way, through your body language—calming and hugging—it helps the child gradually learn to be calm and then slowly instill what you want to teach them. This would be very good.

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What should parents do if their children are being teased and bullied?

What should parents do if their children are being teased and bullied?

Source: Psychologist, Lee Wai Tong

Currently, schools have fully resumed classes, and children have more time to spend with their classmates. Sometimes, children may be teased or bullied at school. When they don’t know how to express these emotions, they may react with aggressive behavior, which may be misunderstood by teachers.

For example, in a class of children playing together, one child may be teased for not performing well. At this moment, the child may not know how to handle the feeling of being teased or bullied, so when given the opportunity, the child may push or kick things, or even lie on the ground and scream. When the teacher arrives and sees this scene, they may naturally think that the problem lies with the child and may scold or lecture them. However, the teacher may not have noticed what happened before the incident.

Once, I saw a mother and her child get lost in Shatin and then reunite. What was the mother’s behavior like after the reunion? She grabbed the child’s hand and hit him while saying, “I couldn’t find you earlier; do you know how scared I was? I was so worried. What would I do if I didn’t find you?”

In fact, everyone knows that the mother loves her child, but the child doesn’t feel it. I often share an example during lectures to express love. When I was young, my father ordered a drink, but because money was tight, he asked the waiter to bring an extra cup after ordering one hot drink. He kept pouring the drink back and forth in front of me, trying to cool it down quickly so that the child wouldn’t burn his mouth and could drink it faster. But I found that when children ask their parents or when I asked many students’ parents, they would answer, “This will make it cool faster.”

When facing bullying or teasing, children often don’t know how to ease their feelings, which becomes a headache for many parents. In fact, when children are bullied or teased in daily life, they usually seek comfort from their parents first. If parents can comfort their children appropriately, such as if the child says to their mother, “Mom, they are making fun of me,” and the mother can comfort the child by patting them and saying, “Yes, sometimes some kids do that; it’s okay.” At this moment, it is a critical time, and the child will internalize this comforting feeling.

 When the child returns to school and is teased again, because they received comfort from their parents before, they can comfort themselves or even ignore others’ teasing and continue playing or doing their own thing. This reduces the possibility of unnecessary misunderstandings by the teacher, who may think the child is misbehaving, pushing others, kicking things, or screaming. Of course, on the other hand, if the teacher can timely ask the child about the cause and effect of the incident, it is also a good method to let the child express their grievances and calm their emotions.

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How do parents show love to their children?

How do parents show love to their children?

Source: Parenting Education Specialist, Ken Sir

Parents may worry that expressing too much love to their children will spoil them and therefore do not know how to express love to them. Generally speaking, Chinese are more introverted and often dare not express their love. Especially when you originally wanted to express that you were very worried about your child, it often turns into another attitude.

Once, I saw a mother and her child get lost in Shatin and then reunite. What was the mother’s behavior like after the reunion? She grabbed the child’s hand and hit him while saying, “I couldn’t find you earlier; do you know how scared I was? I was so worried. What would I do if I didn’t find you?”

In fact, everyone knows that the mother loves her child, but the child doesn’t feel it. I often share an example during lectures to express love. When I was young, my father ordered a drink, but because money was tight, he asked the waiter to bring an extra cup after ordering one hot drink. He kept pouring the drink back and forth in front of me, trying to cool it down quickly so that the child wouldn’t burn his mouth and could drink it faster. But I found that when children ask their parents or when I asked many students’ parents, they would answer, “This will make it cool faster.”

When responding to children, parents should express their feelings at the deepest level: “I love you; why would I do this if I didn’t love you? Am I doing it for someone else? For another child? So in fact, there are many things in our lives that can express love, but there is one thing that must be remembered. If you are afraid of being overindulgent, remember the following two points:

First, if the child can do something, let them do it. You should not fight to do it. Second, when the child makes a mistake, we should correct them. In the process of correction, try to be gentle and firm. When seriousness is needed, be serious. But remind the child to say the solution, not just say no or that it’s wrong. Otherwise, the child will not progress.

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Can mindfulness also help stabilize children’s emotions?

Can mindfulness also help stabilize children's emotions?

Registered clinical psychologist, Dr. Felicia Lee 

Recently, many people have been learning mindfulness to manage their emotions and think more clearly. However, mindfulness can also help us stabilize children’s emotions. Mindfulness, also known as “jing-nim” in Chinese, is a concept that combines Eastern philosophy and Western science. Mindfulness is about consciously and non-judgmentally focusing our attention on the present moment. We are aware of where our focus is at this moment, and we do not think about whether something is right or wrong. We just observe and describe. So how can we use mindfulness to help stabilize children’s emotions? 

The most important thing is to stop first. This requires us to practice regularly, and through mindfulness practice, we will know what methods can be used to effectively stop ourselves or our children. Because sometimes children will stop when they hear their mother shout, but what can be done to stop them when their mothers are not around or when no one is around to advise them? This is an important thing we can practice with mindfulness.

The second step is observation. What kind of mindset should we use to observe? We should observe with a non-judgmental mindset. When a child has emotions, we usually see their emotional outburst, and sometimes we have thoughts or critical words in our minds. If we describe this thought with a non-judgmental mindset and also feel our own emotions, we can see the child’s real needs through their behavior.

The third step is to use language to describe your current feelings or what is happening at the moment because when you use words, it will calm down the center of your emotions.

I remember one time when two brothers were arguing, and one of them stretched out his foot, which began to provoke the other, who then slowly became angry. They would kick each other, at first lightly and then with more force. Actually, when you see this kind of situation, you will feel very angry.

 First, do not stop them, because when you stop them, you are characterizing one person as wrong, and after you characterize them, one of them may become even angrier. The worst thing is that they may both become angry together and say, “We’re just playing; why are you taking it so seriously?” So calm yourself down first, and then ask them casually, “What’s happening now?” Sometimes they may answer you, which is already good. If they cannot answer and are still angry, you can separate them, which is also okay.

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“Does learning mindfulness help in rediscovering the strengths of children?”

"Does learning mindfulness help in rediscovering the strengths of children?”

Source: Registered Clinical Psychologist, Yiu Fong Lee

 

Parents often encounter various behavioral problems with their children, which can be very troubling. For example, they ask their child to do homework, but the child doesn’t do it; they ask the child to eat, but the child sits there playing instead. When children display many uncooperative behaviors, parents become very angry and may use blaming or punishing methods to deal with them. In times of great distress, children become even more uncooperative because they feel their parents are annoying and only have negative evaluations, causing their behavior to become increasingly uncooperative and disobedient. In the practice of mindfulness, parents can learn to carefully observe what is happening at the moment without any criticism, and then try to connect with their child wholeheartedly and notice any good qualities.

 

In the mindfulness parenting group, we encourage parents to use their five senses, including sight, hearing, taste, touch, and smell, to experience mindfulness while eating. For example, taking a piece of raisin and putting it in your mouth, feeling its texture at that moment, and noticing any changes. Through our careful observation, we will discover that raisins are actually very sweet, and they will slowly melt in our mouths.

We can apply this mindset to our interactions with children in daily life, meaning that in addition to their uncooperative behavior, tantrums, or emotional outbursts, we should observe them carefully to see if there are any other things that other parents might not notice. In the mindful parenting group, one mother shared that besides being angry when her son didn’t listen to her, she also noticed that he was willing to help her carry heavy objects or food at times, showing that he cared for her.

 

Some mothers even mentioned that their sons may be sensitive to certain sounds, but during the New Year’s vegetable-grabbing game, they would try their best to grab the vegetables and bring them back to their mothers because they wanted them to be healthy and safe. The mothers felt that their children loved them very much, so they paid more attention to the good things their children did or the times when they cooperated. For example, if a child refused to do homework ten times but then was willing to do it or quietly read once, the mother would appreciate and tell the child, “You were very focused today, and I appreciate that.” Over time, the child will realize that he or she can do well, and the mother won’t be so annoying or only focus on the bad things the child does. Instead, the mother will focus on the good things the child does, and the child’s behavior will gradually get better.

In clinical practice, we often see that in parent-child interaction, when parents can sense the subtle aspects of daily life, such as what their children are willing to give, cherish, or when they exhibit good behavior, it can greatly help improve the interaction and relationship between the two. Additionally, when children feel positive about themselves, their confidence will also improve.

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Children often shirk their responsibilities, and parents should be held accountable?

Children often shirk their responsibilities, and parents should be held accountable?

Source: Psychotherapist, Lee Wai Tong

Whenever something happens, children will use different excuses to shirk their responsibility toward others. Parents may then scold the child for this, but this may make the child avoid taking responsibility. Faced with this situation, what can parents do?

First of all, when parents ask children, “Why didn’t you finish the work?” or “Why don’t you understand?” Parents want their children to take responsibility. But at this time, the child will want to shirk the responsibility and give it to someone else, but at the end of the day, the parents actually want the child to take responsibility. You should know that responsibility starts with the child having the time to make decisions because having the time is called having a sense of autonomy. If children can have a sense of autonomy, they will be more likely to be responsible.



For example, if he does not know how to do his homework and is asked why he does not understand, he will say that the teacher did not teach him, the teacher did not teach him well, or that the other students were noisy. At that moment, if parents continue to say that he is not concentrating in class, they will only make the child throw the responsibility further away. So at this point, we need to know how to do better since we are facing difficulties and then work with the child to figure out how to do it.

 

The child will feel responsible for doing a good job, so naturally he will put the responsibility back on himself and let himself do it. And when children can do things on their own, they will be more willing to take responsibility. This is why I always say that the most important thing for parents is not to be accountable because accountability only teaches children to unload their responsibilities, while we can help our children take responsibility and accomplish things together. This is the most important lesson we often teach our children about responsibility.

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